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Full Circle to God
By Albert Dion
What
I’m about to write about took place in the mid-eighties. At that time I was
living in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and had been there for sixteen years.
(I’m told this is part of the Bible belt.)
I had given myself to the Creator at the age of eighteen. I knew nothing of what to expect of my new life and it wasn’t long before I was stumbling in the dark, for my seed didn’t make it to good soil. My heart rejoices in the knowledge that we have a wonderful God that looks upon us with love. His lessons are always for our own good, and if they involve suffering, he will use it to bring us into full maturity; so, in a sense, we sometimes suffer to come full circle. All things in life are to build faith and spiritual character. Sowing is important, but reaping allows our potential to come to full circle.
Remember always to hold all that God had taught you to be true. None of his lessons are to be taken lightly. Keep them close in the true place of your being, the center of your heart, and always know that God and His ways are good for your every need.
Three years after accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior, I was already in a downhill battle. The road I traveled was of my own doing. The Creator had His way, so, like a loving father, He allowed me to experience life as I chose. Even the mother and father I was given in this life, after teaching me all they could to give me a good strong background, would let me make my own decisions when I reached my manhood. They never told me how to think, how to act, what I should or shouldn’t do. Consequently I would look back on the things I was taught and admit to them that I was wrong and they were right. And yet neither one of them would say “I told you so”. I love my parents very much and they always loved me—even with my mistakes.
Our heavenly father manifests much, much more patience and understanding than our earthly parents, as you will see from the story you’re about to read concerning the event that took place when I was twenty-one years of age. I only had a vague notion of what was going on in my life at that time. I knew something was wrong and I needed help. I still wasn’t fully aware of God’s love, that same love that could have delivered me from myself.
The lessons that come from the virtue of God are building blocks for the heritage of who we become. The Creator has been very good to me, both in the good times and the bad times alike. He allows the bad times into our lives in order for us to learn. The Creator has control over both good and bad. Even though we are free to choose which road to travel, He uses the road we take to bring us to a better place, so all is true and useful for His purpose for us.
The event in my life that illustrates this took place on a Sunday. My wife and I attended church, and, in fact, I was doing some work at the Baptist Ministry. It’s a day we will never forget!
We got home before the afternoon ended and my wife went to prepare something to eat and I thought I’d relax in the living room. All of a sudden I wasn’t feeling too well and decided to lie down on the sofa. I had already taken my shirt off. I was feeling feverish, so I went and got a wet washcloth to wipe my face and chest down. I felt so strange—it was hard to focus. I looked around the room and couldn’t make any sense of anything! I was burning up. I continued to use the washcloth on my face and chest in order to cool down, but it wasn’t working so I turned on the air conditioner. My whole body was feeling sick from top to bottom. My mid-section felt like I wanted to vomit. I had no idea that this was going to get even worse! It was getting harder for me to think, or, indeed, to focus on any one thought. I made my way to the bathroom and was violently sick! I imagined this ought to make me feel better—but I was wrong. My wife came to see what ailed me; she was scared and didn’t have any idea what to do for me.
Whatever had gripped me pulled me down even deeper; for I now lost any kind of rational awareness. I had very little control of my thoughts. The wonder of it is that I’m able to remember it in such detail!
I tried to get away from myself. I walked into the kitchen, then the bedroom, and then to every room in the house—but I still couldn’t escape from whatever had possessed me! I did this over and over again, many times, and still I was not able to talk to my wife. My thoughts were a whirl of confusion and I was unable to put anything in its proper place. As I was going around from room to room, my thinking was doing the same. I knew something was very wrong! Once more I managed to make my way to the bathroom where I was sick again, then walked back into the living room where I collapsed on the floor. I was in a cold sweat, yet on fire. The feeling in my chest was like a three-inch rubber band squeezing inward while the inside of my chest was pushing outward. I was really frightened! I wasn’t allowed any solace, no easement. I was in trouble and had no idea what needed to be done. I couldn’t get up from all fours. I sank even deeper when I tried to fight back. At that moment in my life I had no hope, peace, or joy. I was not content—I had no vestige of a happy spirit that dwelled inside me. My perspective of God’s presence or blessings in my life had diminished to nothing. And yet I preserved a dim awareness that I hadn’t asked my heavenly father to render help where it was needed. I thought I could handle it. This, then, was the cul-de-sac, or the impasse, that I had reached as a result of doing things my way! The result was chaos.
As I said, the thinking part of me was not able to focus on anything. The speaking part was not able to converse with my wife. My mind wasn’t my own. I was feeling very strange, as if a fiery dart had pierced my very being. Was I heading for a stroke? Or a heart attack? Or losing grip on my mental faculties? It was a nightmare in reality! I felt like I was being held hostage with no way back to who I was. I realized that even with all my strength I was not able to do anything to get out from where I was. I still had no idea what needed to be done. I had a real sickening feeling in my insides, wanting this to end! With still no control over my thoughts, my concentration was lost. I was confused. I couldn’t even think!
I finally managed to get myself on my feet and on my way once again to the bathroom where I could take some kind of refuge from whatever had taken me over. When I passed the mirror I got to see myself for the first time—something I never want to see again! I just stood there staring at myself. It was not me, yet I knew it was. My entire face stared back at me, haggard and deformed. It was frightful! It took my breath away and I fainted within myself. I was so desperate for this to end. I still had no idea why or how I came to be under attack, helpless in the path of the fiery darts from what I now call ‘The Instigator,’ or ‘The Aggravator,’ also known to me as ‘The Agitator.’
I’m not certain how long it took this nightmare to come full circle, but I’d have to say it was the better part of two hours. I know that God didn’t do this to me; nevertheless, as I said, God does allow things to come into our lives for spiritual growth. God can’t be tempted, nor will he tempt any man. So it would be safe to say that what happened during this time span was not of His doing, but that He used the nightmarish experience to bring about good—for what took place next was far from anything I had, or have, ever experienced in my life. Still, not knowing what was happening to me, I was still not calling on the only one that could rescue and restore me.
I came out of the bathroom with a feeling of hopelessness and was desperate to find answers. I went back into the living room and sat on the sofa, a picture window behind me and a wall in front of me separating the kitchen and living room. My understanding was still not intact. Negative thoughts consumed me. I felt overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness within me and around me—there was no room for good. I sat there, completely exhausted. My body couldn’t take much more, my mind going in a confusion of different directions. I stared at the wall in front of me—and then it happened!
Something came through the wall. It had no form. I can only describe what was before me as a very strong, hideous and authoritative evil spirit! I was completely overwhelmed by its presence. I was filled with terror as it moved slowly towards me. My wife had entered the room, but she could see nothing, near to panic in her concern for me.
I didn’t know if I was being pulled into the world of this evil or if evil had come to me!
I was suddenly tuned into this mass that was in front of me. I realized now just how weak our minds, spirits and souls really are. The only way I was going to be able to get out of this would be with God!
It’s difficult to put down on paper the intense feelings of emotions that flowed through me; also, to write about the place where the true one sits. As we know, we shouldn’t allow feelings to interfere with faith. I know without a doubt that it was Christ who pulled me through.
It was a very overpowering, frightful feeling! I sat up on the edge of the sofa, gripped by this strong fear. To describe it as best as I can, I would have to say my feelings were of complete helplessness—a sense of self-loathing, intense hate, overwhelming negativity. My mind was losing the battle, feeling sick from top to bottom and completely disoriented. Then I did what I should have done right from the beginning! I asked God to come! I told Him I was nothing without Him! This force was too strong. I was no match for it.
The Heavenly Creator gave me something I had lost sight of. I somehow asked the spirit of supplication to please allow the spirit to do my bidding. It was strange—things began to slow down. I had been in another time, not the human ‘clock time’ but another time. Yet I was still sitting on the edge of the sofa. As this mass was moving towards me I stood up with my head bent over, looking at this thing with no form yet filled with pure hatred. I screamed as loud as I could at it: “No, you can’t have me!”
The evil force was gone! I came to all my senses. I was no longer confused or incoherent. I fell back onto the sofa. I was completely restored with movement. My head pain was gone and my stomach was no longer sick. My chest no longer had pain. It had finally ended.
I still sit and think about what happened to me that day. Anyone reading this can never imagine the intensity, or the reality, of what I saw and felt. It’s hard to write about something about the bad or good spirit, even though both are on a different plateau—different, and always at war with each other. Indeed, I’m a perfect example of that battle. I’ll never forget it!
I realized years later that this fiery dart I experienced was for a purpose. It was God allowing evil to approach me in order that something good might come out of the experience.
I worked for R.J. Reynolds at the time this happened to me and I started doing a lot of studying of the Bible. I had God’s word with me at all times—at work, during doctor appointments, anywhere where I might have the opportunity to read. I would go nowhere without my little Bible.
After some time had passed I was getting into the meat of the word of God. Yet I can remember being warned not to study anything other than the sincere milk of God’s word. Many times I was touched by the Holy Spirit with a sense of what I was doing was not good. So on these occasions I would pray about it.
I continued to press on with my life thinking that I was doing well, that I had good principles; but then, while reading the Bible during one of my breaks at work, I heard a voice—and it called my name. I turned around to see, thinking it was one of the guys I worked with, but no one was there. I heard my name again. It was deep within me, and then I realized it was from God. My angel said to me, “Your faith is not strong enough to sustain.” I replied, “I’m reading and it’s all having an effect on me.”
So once again I didn’t listen. I was not surrendering to God but trying to take control. I was headstrong, and that was something God clearly disapproved of. I had more strength in me than I had had in my whole life, yes—but I kept going in the direction I thought was right and in my own strength. Because I still didn’t listen fully to what my angel had said to me, I was still caught up in the circle. Nevertheless I did continue to feast and get drunk on the word of God and I’m a better person for it. Praise the Lord that He has it all under control.
I’m glad He allowed this strange thing to take place with me at my home on that Sunday afternoon. I thought I was strong, but I was shown otherwise. I’m no match for the evil one. I’m glad my Heavenly Father cared enough and had time to show me just how weak I really am. The answer? Let go—and let God! Only then can one grow and come full circle—to God.
Albert
J. Dion
G. Kendrick/C. Rolinson, Kingsway’s Thankyou Music/altered
